When Someone Dies
How Do You Feel?
Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash
How do you feel when someone dies?
Sometimes it is just overwhelming. Difficult to put into words. Difficult to think. Difficult to understand all the things you feel.
Sometimes, if we're honest, it is a relief. The long road of caring for them is over. The suffering was difficult, even to witness.
Sometimes it is shock. They died before their time. They were elderly but expected to live longer.
Sometimes it is all of these. Sometimes it is none of them. Sometimes it feels completely different.
Whatever you are going through, we are here — and so is practical guidance for the days ahead. (You are welcome to call us anytime on 1300 136 473).
Finding your way through grief
Grief is a journey. Go gently along the way.
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In a world often defined by constant busy-ness, we can easily forget to stop, pause, and reflect. When someone we love passes away, the flurry of activity, competing voices, and a mix of emotions can make it even harder to find quiet moments of contemplation.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is step away from the noise — turn off the phone, make yourself a cup of tea, find a peaceful space, and simply ponder. Reflection allows us to honour the person we’ve lost and to process the impact they’ve had on our lives.
Perhaps, like Marc, you keep a journal to help organise your thoughts and feelings. Writing can be a powerful way to connect with your emotions and navigate grief. Here are a few questions that might guide your reflection:
What did this person mean to us?
What will we miss about them?
How does this help us face our own mortality?
Taking the time to reflect is not only a way to honour their memory but also an opportunity to grow and look for meaning in the midst of loss.
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Notifying friends and family of the passing of your loved one can be emotionally draining. If there are many people to inform, it can be overwhelming to repeat the story and respond to people’s reactions. Additionally, many will ask about funeral arrangements when details may not yet be finalised.
How to Notify People About a Death
In the past, newspaper death notices were the primary way families informed others of a loved one's passing. However, this practice has become far less common. While some elderly individuals still check obituaries, digital communication and social media have largely replaced traditional newspaper notices.
Many families now notify key individuals and ask them to pass on the message to others. This approach ensures that those who need to know receive the information without adding to the burden of grieving family members.
Sample Death Notification Message
When sharing funeral details, Marc has encouraged many families to share a a simple, clear message like this:
"The service for [Name] will take place at [Time] on [Day, Date] at [Location]. Please email [Details] if you would like the live streaming link. Please share with others, as appropriate."
The phrase "Please share with others, as appropriate" encourages people to pass on the message, helping to spread the information efficiently.
Digital Alternatives to Newspaper Notices
Instead of traditional print announcements, many families now use:
Social media (Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn) to reach a broad audience
Group emails for personalised messages
SMS or Messaging apps (WhatsApp, Messenger) for close friends and family
Ensuring the Right People Are Informed
Grieving families sometimes worry about missing someone important when sharing news of a passing. By using a combination of digital communication and personal networks, the message naturally reaches those who need to know.
Ultimately, the people who should be informed will find out, allowing families to focus on what matters most during this difficult time.
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Years ago, one of Marc’s friend described her grief as “learning to live without a limb.” The phrase stayed with him, powerfully capturing the profound sense of loss and adjustment that follows the death of a loved one. It resonated not only because of its raw honesty but also because it reflected how deeply someone can be woven into the fabric of our lives.
Grief creates a “new normal,” a life that is forever changed. It doesn’t mean forgetting or moving on, but learning to live with the absence and adapting to a different reality. This adjustment takes time, courage, and kindness — towards yourself and others.
Be patient as you navigate this process. Grief is not a journey with a set path; it’s a deeply personal experience. Allow yourself and others the space to heal and grow as you learn to live in this changed world, carrying the love and memories of those you’ve lost.
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Grief affects everyone differently, and for some, it may mean losing their appetite. For others, it might lead to eating more or turning to unhealthy comfort foods. During these times, it’s important to take small, manageable steps toward nourishing your body, even when it feels difficult.
Most of us have a sense of what eating well looks like for us. Start with the simplest changes if you haven’t already. For example:
Keep a bowl of fresh fruit on the kitchen table, making it easy to grab a healthy snack instead of processed foods.
Fill a few bottles with tap or filtered water and keep them in the fridge, so you always have cool, refreshing water on hand to stay hydrated.
Consider stocking some chamomile tea, which can offer a comforting and soothing drink, especially in the evenings.
These small, intentional actions can help you care for yourself during a challenging time. Remember, eating well is not just about physical nourishment — it’s a form of self-compassion and a way to support your body as you navigate the emotional journey of grief.
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Making arrangements after the loss of a loved one can sometimes feel more demanding than necessary. Much like an engaged couple organising a wedding, there may be competing voices from family members less directly affected by the situation.
In these moments, it’s essential to prioritise what is best for you and those closest to you. If you decide to arrange a service, whether a funeral or a memorial, remember that it is primarily for the living. While considering the wishes of the person who has passed away can be meaningful, the service is ultimately for those who remain.
For practical purposes, the person responsible for paying the invoice is usually the main decision-maker. If there’s uncertainty about who that should be, the executor has the final authority. (In Marc’s experience, he has only once needed to defer to an executor during a family dispute).
Regardless of family dynamics, even when everyone is on good terms, it’s best for this individual to act as the sole point of contact. Having one clear decision-maker helps streamline the process, reduce misunderstandings, and bring clarity to what can already be a challenging time.
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Sharing a special meal on the day of a funeral or memorial service can provide a meaningful and informal time to reflect and connect. After Marc’s mother passed away, he and some family members and close friends chose to have a private dinner at a restaurant. It became a time to unwind and find comfort in the company of those near and dear.
Marc has often suggested this idea to families, and it doesn’t have to be complicated. Asking people to pay their own way is perfectly acceptable, or you might prefer to keep it simple by heading home and ordering pizza. The key is choosing something that allows you to gather together in a way that feels easy and enjoyable.
A shared meal can offer a moment of solace, helping to ease the emotional weight of the day and honouring the bond you share with those around you.
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Sometimes, the person who has died was not loved by everyone. In other cases, family members may have been content not speaking to each other for years. Grief can bring deep emotions to the surface, sometimes reopening old wounds and creating tension. Understandably, families in these situations may feel uneasy about what might happen at a service.
Sadly, these challenges are not uncommon. However, in our experience, there is almost always a natural “laying down of arms” on the day of the service. While it may be wise to have a Plan B in case things do not go as hoped, approaching the day with an open mind can often lead to a more peaceful experience.
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A change of scenery can feel like a literal and figurative breath of fresh air during difficult times. Marc has experienced this firsthand after losing someone close to him. On one occasion, he spent time in a regional area with family, where everyone chipped in to make the trip happen. Another time, he ventured somewhere new on his own. And on a difficult day, it was simply a bushwalk with his family one afternoon, offering a brief but welcome reprieve.
Many families have found this advice helpful. Simple activities that don’t require much planning or expense often work best. You might find it comforting to do something similar.
To get started, ask yourself:
What are some places nearby where you can go for a day trip?
Where could you go to breathe, reflect, and recharge without too much effort?
Even on the hardest days, a short escape — a drive, a walk in nature, or a quiet moment in a new setting — can help provide space to process, reflect, and find peace.
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In the weeks following the loss of a loved one, perhaps around six weeks after the funeral, you might begin to feel the absence of the support that initially surrounded you. Friends who were once present may not reach out as often, leaving you feeling forgotten during a time when you still need their care.
In Marc’s experience, this is a challenge that many in Anglo-Australian culture face. Death is a topic many find uncomfortable, and even those with the best intentions may struggle to know how to provide support. Some might “give you space,” assuming it’s what you need, when in reality, you may crave their presence and understanding.
If you find yourself in this situation, consider reaching out to them. Sometimes, friends simply need gentle guidance on how they can help. Invite them for a coffee or suggest a walk together—whatever feels most natural and comforting for you.
Grief can be isolating, but asking for connection is not a sign of weakness; it’s a courageous step toward healing. You may be surprised by how ready your friends are to offer their support once they know how they can help.
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In times of grief, we may unknowingly seek comfort in the wrong places, and one of those can be the workplace. Overachievers, in particular, may feel tempted to bury their grief by working harder, using the demands of work as a way to numb the pain or avoid confronting it.
Marc has observed this pattern in some of the people he has cared for. While the distraction might feel helpful in the short term, it can hinder the essential process of healing. A healthier approach is to strike a balance—attending to work priorities while creating space to process grief.
One of Marc’s friends, recognising the risk of burnout, made the wise decision to request a demotion to reduce the pressure during a challenging time. This allowed him to focus on his healing without the added strain of overwork.
Instead of overworking, take time to pause. Smell the roses. Enjoy the sunshine. Seek healthy ways to process your pain, whether through conversations with trusted friends, journaling, or finding moments of rest. Grief is a journey, and giving yourself the time and space to heal is one of the most compassionate choices you can make.
Need Help with Grief?
A Personal Note from Marc
I’ve long been concerned by how little ongoing support families often receive from anyone after the funeral. After the loss of my own mother, I saw a counsellor to help me in that process — particularly in the early months.
Someone like a minister, pastor, psychologist or community chaplain can serve that role too, especially when the loss is unexpected.
I have also taken part in a GriefShare group which has helped me process my grief in meaningful and unexpected ways.
GriefShare support groups
What GriefShare offers is something different to counselling and psychology. It's a gentle church-based support group to help you move through the grief process. It has had more than 1 million participants over 25 years. If you'd like help finding a group — even if we haven’t cared for your family — just email us as we’re glad to assist.
Anglicare Chaplaincy Support
Chaplains offer pastoral and emotional support in hospitals, aged care, and community settings. If you are in Greater Sydney, Illawarra, or the Southern Highlands, Anglicare can help you find one nearby.
Jericho Road Chaplaincy
These Presbyterian chaplains serve in hospitals, prisons, and emergency services across Sydney — present with people, and their families, in their darkest hours. Find a chaplain here.
Christian Counsellors Association of Australia
Search for a Christian counsellor near you.
Mental Health Care Plan
For personal medical advice, please speak with your GP.
For general information, you can also visit Mental health care and Medicare
Medicare Mental Health Centres
These centres provide "free mental health information, services and supports".
See Medicare Mental Health Centre to find out more.
NSW Community Health
Community Health Centres in NSW provide a wide range of care, including mental health support.
Find your local Community Health District to determine if they have the services you require.
Relationships Australia
Often our relationships can be affected by grief. See relationships.org.au or phone 1300 364 277
Veterans and Families Counselling
Open Arms provides mental health support to Navy, Army, and Air Force personnel, veterans and their families.
They offer various online services, such as anonymous online peer support through their Shoulder to Shoulder initiative.
See openarms.gov.au or call 1800 011 046.
Psychologists and Counsellors
We have a list of psychologists and counsellors which we’re happy to share with families we support.
If You Need Urgent Support
If anyone’s life is in immediate danger, call 000 or visit a hospital emergency department.
If you’re in crisis and need support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. They’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
The information above is shared as a community resource and is not medical advice. For personal care, please speak with your GP or a pastor.