When someone has died — the whole guide

Content marked with an asterisk contains information to protect you against funeral directors not acting in your interests. It should help you find a funeral director who is genuinely caring. Be sure to read this.

Part One — Your Situation

When do I need to contact a funeral director?

After a death in hospital, you usually have days to contact a funeral director; with the Coroner, longer. After a death in aged care, you usually have hours, as there is nowhere suitable to keep your loved one.

If the death was at home, it is more nuanced. If the death was not expected, call 000. Your loved one may be taken into the care of the Coroner.

For an expected home death, the advice of the NSW Clinical Excellence Commission is "there is no legal requirement for you to contact anyone immediately". A nurse or GP would be your natural point of contact. They or another health professional, such as a paramedic, needs to sign a Verification of Death. It is sometimes known by other names but is essentially the necessary authority required by a funeral director. In these circumstances, you have hours to contact a funeral director.

If your loved one is in the care of the Coroner, consider beginning to make arrangements with a funeral director, prior to the paperwork being ready. Bookings can only be made once there is clearance.

If there is a pre-paid funeral plan, look for the certificate. When making arrangements, check it against what they provide.

Who was your loved one?

This can help to frame many or all the decisions. Think about what mattered to them in their life. Consider any wishes they might have spoken about or written down about arrangements after their death.

Who is most affected?

Make decisions that help those who are grieving the most — usually this is the immediate family.

Grief can make us more vulnerable to unwanted pressures from others. Funeral directors can sometimes steer a family in a particular direction with some decisions, as either it suits them or they do not understand the nuances of a family's requests. Extended family members can impose themselves because they want the attention or are well-meaning.

Consider allowing time for people to travel to a service, if their presence is important to you.

Part Two — What You Want

Burial or cremation?

This is the first decision to be made. A cremation offers more flexibility with location of a service and what can be done with the ashes. A burial offers a more tangible place to return to and remember. A cremation-only is the least expensive option and is known by various names such as a direct cremation or no service/no attendance.

Look for a funeral director who provides a direct cremation with personalisation at no extra cost *

This might be, for example, a collage of family photos placed with the coffin or a choice of beautiful urns.

Why does this matter? A cremation-only means no family member or friend is present, so it all happens behind closed doors. What they do that you can see is your best signal of care, since the rest of the process is hidden from you.

A cremation-only may not be arranged in a way that prioritises families' concerns. Funeral directors cannot make much money from a cremation-only. Nor can they use it to make their brand known in the community, as they can with a funeral. They tend to take one of two approaches. It is either begrudgingly offered or streamlined in a process with little time for personal interaction.

What are the options for a viewing?

If the death occurs in aged care or hospital, you may wish to spend some time with your loved one. A funeral director can also arrange this later, prior to a funeral or a cremation-only, but sometimes for a fee. If the Coroner is involved, viewing may be possible — and if so, a funeral director can provide a better experience.

Funeral or memorial service?

The main choices are between a funeral and a memorial service. A funeral, where the coffin is present, helps to come to terms with the change. A memorial service has more flexibility with location and timing. Sometimes a family chooses to have a small private funeral followed by a larger public memorial service.

Many families feel the pressure to arrange a service quickly. Perhaps this is because, once close family and friends are contacted to let them know of the death, they will almost always ask, 'when is the service?' However, rushing often creates more stress.

In our experience, about 10 days to two weeks is optimal from the time someone dies to when a funeral is held. A memorial service can take place weeks or months afterwards, making travel easier for those interstate or overseas.

Who leads the ceremony and where?

A funeral or memorial service is usually led by a civil celebrant, minister, pastor, or priest. It could be done by a family member, but this is usually too difficult, emotionally and practically, if they have no experience. A minister or pastor is generally the most flexible about the location of a service.

Different locations each have their own advantages. A crematorium or cemetery chapel is easy to arrange. Sometimes a funeral director's chapel is cheaper than that. Other times the overall fee of the funeral director is greater. A service in a church building tends to be warmer and less rushed. For a burial, the simplest arrangement is a graveside service only.

With a service at a crematorium, consider booking extra time so you don't feel rushed — or moving the service to a church instead.

A church that you know, or that you hear is genuinely welcoming, is more likely to offer support beyond the day itself, whether or not you are a member there.

What should you consider for refreshments?

The timing and location of refreshments can have an impact on where and when a ceremony takes place. If you want the most amount of people, seek to have them close to each other in time and place. This is because, as a general rule, when a gathering is asked to move from one location to another, only those who were close to the family tend to self-select to remain, especially if it involves getting in a car.

Venue options depend on the location of the service. A function room at cemetery or crematorium can be the simplest. A church hall can be warmer or more personal. A pub or club is easy to arrange. For a small group at a café, it would be normal for everyone to pay for themselves. Regardless of any public gathering for refreshments, you may wish to have a private dinner, at a home or restaurant, for those who are closest.

How to choose funeral flowers?

Select what is in season or natives for the freshest flowers. Indicate a colour palette or type of flower to the florist. A broad brief gives the florist creative freedom and a more beautiful outcome. A florist who grows their own or specialises in a particular style will often produce something more distinctive. A funeral director may have their preferred florist, but you might prefer to choose your own.

Look for a funeral director with coffin and casket prices online *

Before engaging a funeral director, review the catalogue and price list. You should be able to find all of this information on their website, but funeral directors rarely publish it.

Funeral directors often apply a big mark-up on coffins and caskets. This is why similar coffins can vary significantly in price between funeral directors. Many use effective upselling techniques once a family is committed to them, even when families tell them they want the cheapest coffin. They might, for example, place a more expensive option first in the catalogue, to increase the likelihood that it is chosen.

How to choose a coffin or casket?

First, know the difference between them. A coffin is tapered at the head and foot. A casket is rectangular and tends to be more expensive. Then consider the styles. A flat lid, for example, allows more space to place flowers or personal items. A raised or domed lid can have more presence.

The common types are: MDF with a paper veneer; solid timber; and metal caskets. Green options include: cardboard, Enviroboard, unvarnished timber and hand-woven wicker. Recycled timber can be a premium, locally made option.

Overall, the type and style of furniture in the family home can help guide the decision. A simple choice can be a dignified one.

What to consider with music for a funeral?

Music adds texture to the occasion. Often, the format is one piece at the start that is calming, one in the middle that is reflective and one at the end that is uplifting. If it is difficult to select music, a crematorium or cemetery chapel can provide background music. Songs with recorded congregational singing help a smaller gathering that wants to sing. Live musicians bring warmth to the occasion, particularly if they are family members or friends.

What readings to have for a funeral?

Poetry is often included, but rarely to lasting effect. Most people have not studied poetry, so what's chosen is usually found through a quick search rather than something that will be genuinely memorable. The eulogy or tributes can fill that space.

People often include Bible passages, even if they don't attend church. Common Bible passages are Psalm 23 or the Lord's Prayer. And Psalm 139:12 says of the Lord: "even the darkness will not be dark to you... for darkness is as light to you."

How do you organise the eulogy and speakers at a funeral?

A common issue with funerals is when family and friends speak too long. This can detract from the service, making it harder for people to listen attentively. As a guide, the main eulogy should be 1,000 words long. Other tribute(s), if required, should be limited to one typed page each, since an allocation of time is rarely adhered to.

Whatever is said tends to land best when it's built from specific stories rather than general statements — a few well-chosen memories say more than a list of qualities. And think about the strong and unusual emotions that you or your loved one felt.

How to produce a slideshow or orders of service booklets for a service?

For a slideshow with music, it is often best to choose a reflective song about 3–4 minutes long, with a dozen photos per minute. For printed order of service booklets, it is usually best to choose one recent photo for the front and one or two older photos for the back.

A funeral director can arrange professional slideshows or printed orders of service. However, creating one or both of these yourselves, as a family, can be more empowering and fulfilling in your shared grief.

What is affordable and how to finance?

It is not commonly known that banks will release a loved one's funds for funeral costs when presented with the funeral director's invoice. Sometimes they require more paperwork, but it is generally not onerous.

Before going to a bank with a funeral director's invoice, check the relevant webpage of the bank as bank tellers appear to be rarely trained in this area and have been known to ask for documents the bank does not in fact require.

Centrelink bereavement payment may apply to you if you are a partner or carer. To apply for this, simply advise Centrelink of the death; doing so in person is the best method. No death certificate is required.

If funds are limited, no-interest loans (NILS) and early access to your super are options to consider.

Funeral directors who are genuinely caring tend to have information on their website about how they help families with limited means.

If there are no funds at all, a hospital or Coroner social worker can help.

Part Three — How To Choose A Funeral Director Who Genuinely Cares

Look for itemised prices and clear information on a funeral director’s website *

This matters because limited information online can be a sales tactic to encourage you to call. Once you call a funeral director, it becomes harder to compare them objectively with others. In most cases, there should not be a need to call them for a quote.

Here are some simple checks — if a funeral director does not have them, consider other providers: Are prices itemised and visible — without needing to request a quote? Is it clear what is necessary and what is optional? Does an "all-inclusive" price include what you want or need? Are coffin photos and prices shown clearly (see coffin and casket pricing above)?

Look for a fair price — for example, a direct-cremation can be $2K to $9K *

Regional funeral directors charge much more for a direct cremation than metropolitan funeral directors. In regional areas, compare prices with out-of-town funeral directors for a direct cremation.

A funeral at a metropolitan crematorium chapel can range from $6K to $12K — including all care and transportation of your loved one, flowers and coffin, a civil celebrant, minister or priest, a signing book, slideshow, music, chapel hire and cremation and all paperwork.

Excluding cemetery costs, a funeral followed by burial is usually a little less than a funeral at a crematorium chapel.

Costs are not necessarily a reflection of care. Some charge more to cover marketing, buildings and larger overheads. Higher-priced funeral directors may over-charge on their professional fee, but include more.

Lower prices may reflect that some functions are handled by specialist partners. Some funeral directors exclude what families might reasonably expect — to make their price appear lower — but over-charge on reasonable inclusions.

Sometimes the different items in a quote can be difficult to compare — start with the total, then look at the cost of each item.

Look for better standard inclusions — such as a basket of eucalyptus sprigs or rose petals for scattering at the grave *

For a cremation, a special urn should be standard. In any case, aftercare should be part of what they offer. These are strong indicators of overall care.

The funeral sector calls itself the "funeral industry" because it is process-driven. This is partly out of the need to minimise the opportunity for error. But it also means that many products and approaches have not been updated in decades.

By contrast, a modern and efficient funeral director may have one staff member serving more than 10 families at once, with little time to be person-centred.

Neither cost nor good reviews reliably predict the best experience of care. Families can only review what they experienced, and for most, this is the first time going through it — so there's little to compare it to.

There are many caring people in the funeral sector. However, it is not structured to offer genuine care — a staff member who is present and simply listens.

Look for tiered prices — families with means subsidise the care for those with limited means *

A two-tiered approach minimises the conflict of interest inherent in running a funeral business for profit.

Families in grief can be emotionally vulnerable. A funeral business that has a drive to increase profits is not necessarily acting in the best interests of the family.

Some funeral directors want to maximise how much you spend by upselling, once you have committed.

Other funeral directors look for high volume with a streamlined process. But genuine person-centred care cannot be scheduled or constrained by tight time limits.

Behind many larger funeral businesses — whether "established local" or a newer brand — sits a corporate owner, outside investor, or family concern interested primarily in profitability for themselves.

Smaller businesses may charge higher prices while trading on a pretence of prestige.

Charity funeral businesses may be a means of making profit for an unrelated cause. They may not publish an impact report or disclose executive pay on their website.

If a funeral business claims to be Christian but has no Bible verses anywhere on their website, it's an indication of the weakness of their claim.

Look for a funeral director who listens well *

Their listening well should put you at ease. Notice whether they listen before they lead.

Don't feel rushed or pressured to commit during a phone conversation, especially the first phone call.

When you call, a funeral director knows that a longer conversation is more likely to result in you engaging them. This is not necessarily a bad thing — but be aware of it.

A funeral director wants to gain your trust. That can be an honest motive, or one that isn't.

If a local funeral director does not meet these standards, consider those who best fit the criteria or who serve the area from further afield.

In this guide, we have tried to call out where the funeral sector fails — and to demonstrate what we think it should be. We are part of a small number with these concerns — perhaps some others are more effective than we are.

© Marc Allison — sixth-generation funeral director, Marc & Friends Funerals. marcandfriends.com.au