Where & when

What are the timeframes for decisions?

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• Where — home (call 000), hospital, aged care, or with the Coroner?
• Aged care gives you hours. Hospital gives you days. Coroner gives you longer.
• If your loved one is in the care of the Coroner, you can still make arrangements with a funeral director prior to the paperwork being ready — it's just not yet possible to book anything.
• Is there a pre-paid funeral plan? If so and if possible, search for the certificate and check against what they end up providing.

The person

Who were they?

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• What mattered to them?
• Did they express any wishes?

The family

Who is most affected?

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• Focus on what helps those most affected.
• Consider who you may want to allow time to travel for a service.
• Be less concerned about strong opinions from those less affected.

First decision

Burial or cremation?

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• Cremation offers more flexibility with location of a service and the ashes.
• Burial offers a more tangible place to return to and remember.
• A cremation-only is least expensive. A memorial service can take place later.
• A funeral can take place prior to either cremation or burial.

Private time

Viewing

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• If the death occurs in aged care or hospital, you may wish to spend some time with your loved one — a funeral director can usually arrange a viewing.
• If the Coroner is involved, viewing may be possible — and if so, a funeral director can provide a better experience.

The service

What kind of ceremony?

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• Some families take 4 days after a loved one has died to have the funeral. The instinct to rush almost inevitably creates more pressure and anxiety.
• As a general rule, about 10 days to two weeks is optimal. Waiting too long can feel unsettled.
• Waiting weeks or months afterwards — usually to facilitate travel — is not unusual for a memorial service.
• A funeral, where the coffin is present, helps to come to terms with the change.
• A memorial service has more flexibility with location and timing.
• Who leads it — civil celebrant, minister, pastor, or priest?
• Crematorium/cemetery chapel (easy), funeral chapel (some cheaper, others more expensive overall), church (warmer, less rushed), or graveside only (simplest)?
• With a service at a crematorium, consider booking extra time so you don't feel rushed — or moving the service to a church instead.
• A genuinely welcoming church is more likely to offer warmth beyond the day itself.
• Sometimes it is best to have a small private funeral with a larger public memorial service.

Gathering informally

Refreshments

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• The timing and location of refreshments can have an impact on where and when the service takes place — seek to have them close to each other in time and place.
• Crematorium or larger cemetery: chapel service, then a burial or cremation, followed by refreshments in an onsite function room.
• Church service and unattended cremation: at the end, the hearse leaves the church directly for the crematorium. Refreshments can be arranged in the adjoining hall.
• Church service and burial: a morning service followed by refreshments with a burial in the afternoon (easier and cheaper) or the next day (more relaxed). Another option: private burial with family and close friends, followed by a public church memorial service and refreshments later.
• Venues: function room at cemetery or crematorium (simplest); church hall or familiar café (warmer, more personal); for a small group, a café (everyone pays for themselves).

Listen and reflect

Music, readings and eulogy

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• If only recorded music: one at the start (calming), one in the middle (reflective), one at the end (uplifting).
• Crematorium and cemetery chapels can provide background music if needed.
• Songs with recorded congregational singing help for a smaller gathering wanting to sing.
• Live musicians bring warmth.
• People often include Bible passages, even if they don't attend church. Psalm 139:12 says of the Lord: "even the darkness will not be dark to you... for darkness is as light to you."
• A common issue with funerals is when family and friends speak too long — it can make it hard for people to listen.
• Main eulogy: 1,000 words long, as a rough guide.
• Other tribute/s (if required): limit to one typed page only (people otherwise find it hard to manage time well) and ask to check beforehand they are not repeating anything.

Visual content

Slideshow or order of service

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• Slideshow: choose a reflective song about 3–4 minutes long, with about a dozen photos per minute, adjusted to song length.
• Order of service: usually best to choose one recent photo for the front and one or two older for the back.
• Digitise old photos easily: place them on an angled surface (to avoid reflecting light) and photograph, rather than scanning (smartphones now produce better results).
• A funeral director can arrange professional slideshows or printed orders of service. These may be charged at cost, at a significant markup *, or absorbed into a high service fee *.
• Creating these yourselves can be more empowering.
• Creating slideshow: use software/websites (eg: Animoto) that synchronises the slides to the length of the song. Save as an mp4 file.
• Supplying recorded music: mp3 or m4a format (eg: from iTunes Store or Amazon Music) are universally accepted, unlike streaming services (eg: Spotify or YouTube).
• Email any files (eg: via WeTransfer, Dropbox, Google Drive) beforehand to the funeral director and cemetery/crematorium chapel (check for their instructions). Bring a backup USB on the day.
• Creating orders of service: consider getting them professionally printed — allow enough lead time and check proofs carefully.

Flowers

Choosing flowers

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• Selecting by colour or flower type gives the florist creative freedom.
• Some common choices include seasonal mixes, roses, or whites and creams.
• If uncertain for a man, many choose natives.

Coffin and casket

Choosing a coffin or casket *

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• Funeral directors often apply a bigger mark-up here, which can influence how and when options are presented.
• Before engaging a funeral director, review the catalogue and price list. A funeral director concerned about transparency will show both on their website.
• A coffin is tapered at the head and foot. A casket is rectangular, sometimes offered to encourage families to spend more.
• A flat lid allows more space to place flowers or personal items. A raised or domed lid can have more presence.
• Common types are: MDF with a paper veneer (can look neat); solid timber (can look warm); green options (eg: cardboard, unvarnished/recycled timber and hand-woven wicker); and metal caskets.
• Furniture in the family home can be a guide. A simple choice can be dignified.
• Look for: coffin photos and prices shown clearly on their website.

Price transparency

More transparency suggests fairer practice *

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• Limited information online can be a sales tactic to encourage you to call or commit.
• Are prices itemised and visible — without needing to request a quote?
• "All-inclusive" prices may not include what you want or need.
• Is it clear what is necessary and what is optional?
• Are coffin photos and prices shown clearly?

Costs and care

What is reasonable? *

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• There is no clear relationship between costs or good reviews — and the best experience of care.
• The funeral sector calls itself the "funeral industry" because it is process-driven.
• Many products and approaches have not been updated in decades.
• A modern funeral director with a streamlined process can be efficient and genuinely caring with countless good reviews. But the person who cares for you may be serving more than 10 families at once. Genuine person-centred care cannot be scheduled or so time-limited.
• Prices can be very different. A cremation-only, for example, can vary from less than $2K to almost $9K.
• Higher prices cover marketing, buildings and overheads. Lower prices reflect less of all those — and some functions may be handled by specialist partners.
• Look for: a funeral director with better standard inclusions — such as a special urn for cremation or a basket of rose petals for scattering at a burial.

Budget

What is affordable for you?

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• Banks release a loved one's funds for funeral costs by presenting the funeral director's invoice.
• Centrelink bereavement payment may apply to a partner or carer.
• If funds are limited, no-interest loans (NILS) and early super access are options.
• If there are no funds at all, a hospital or Coroner social worker can help.
• Ask whether they can help — a funeral director who genuinely cares will find a way.

Ownership

Who are they and what really motivates them? *

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• Some will look to maximise how much you spend by upselling, once you have committed.
• Some look for high volume, with streamlined processes where your arranger cares for many families at once and has little time to listen.
• Behind many larger funeral businesses — whether "established local" or a newer brand — sits a corporate owner, outside investor, or family concern interested primarily in returns.
• Smaller businesses may have higher prices with pretences to their prestige.
• Charity funeral businesses may not publish an impact report or disclose executive pay on their website.
• A streamlined online process can be efficient and genuinely caring. But the person who cares for you may be serving more than 10 families at once. Genuine person-centred care cannot be scheduled or so time-limited.
• Look for: a funeral director who charges less for families with limited means, made possible by families who pay the full fee. Even if that is not your situation, a funeral director who openly offers this is more likely to care for all families well.

A calm phone call

Don't feel rushed *

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• Almost every funeral director benefits when you feel you must decide quickly.
• At the back of their minds is almost inevitably their desire to get some kind of commitment from you — to book a meeting or bring your loved one into their care.
• Look for: whether they listen before they lead, in the first conversation.
• Don't commit in the phone call.